So let’s just roll off my last post on body dysmorphia. Four years ago, almost to the day, I told myself that I could solve all of my problems. Plastic surgery. So many people do this. So many people want the perfect stomach, the cutest nose, or in my case…I wanted killer tits. I wanted to not feel like I had the body of a 15 year old boy. I wanted to look at myself and feel like a complete girl.
Growing up, I always thought they would just grow in. I mean, my mom was not flat. My sister was not flat. Surely, I would grow too. WRONG. I have literally been the same height and body type since 6th grade. My dad is 6’4″ and when I peaked in middle school, people thought I would continue on and go D1 for basketball or something crazy. SIKE! Here I am, still 5’6″.
When I decided I was going to go under the knife, I put about zero thought into what could go wrong either right away or further down the road. I threw the surgery bill on a credit card, paid it off a couple months later with my tax return and Voilà! I had 425 CCs of saline goodness filling my chest and I could not have been happier. Let me tell you, going from an A to a D was thrilling and I felt like I could finally be a woman. That literally sounds so stupid when I say that but seriously, it is how I felt.
I had always felt like something was missing until I got those airbags put in place. It was weird….I felt incapable of being loved with such a big insecurity of being flat chested.
Now let’s fast forward to about two years ago. I started experiencing things that never had an answer. I was battling constant (and I mean constant) infections. I will keep that vague and spare you the specifics. I began experiencing headaches that were uncontrollable and intolerable. I saw a headache specialist. I got put on crazy meds that they use primarily for seizures but I guess they work for migraines too. They made my face, hands and feet numb, I could not have a casual glass of wine and I could not remember anything. I literally could not even remember how to tie my shoe at one point. My family started to freak which, of course, made me freak and I said screw it. I threw all the meds away and have been dealing with the headaches as they come. I have suffered from extreme anxiety. Anxiety has been a part of my life due to some events that have happened to me as a child but as far as being anxious over absolutely nothing? We all know that is not normal. I had standard backaches. I mean, obviously….I am packing around all this saline. I was having night sweat episodes that were so bad, I had to get up, take off all my clothes and put on dry clothes (don’t worry, I showered in the morning but ain’t no body wanna take a shower at 2am). And lastly, I was always tired. I am very dedicated to my sleep schedule and get 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I was so tired all the time and could not for the life of me figure out how someone who just slept for 8 hours could be tired by 9am. When I said at the beginning that I wanted killer tits….I feel like I got the literal version of that.
Like I mentioned above, I did zero research on breast implants before jumping ship. I just thought, “thousands of women do this, it’s fine”. Let me tell you, for me….it was NOT fine. I cannot speak for everyone because I know SO many girls who have implants who have no symptoms and who are in love with their boobs…and that is great. Trust me, I wish that was me. But maybe there are some girls who have no idea about Breast Implant Illness because they have never heard of it and have weird symptoms that cannot be explained by any doctor. If that is you, go to this website.
After researching and talking to tons of women, I decided to explant. The days leading up to explant were excruciating. Ask my boyfriend, I think obsessed, cried and complained everyday about it. I had so many fears. My number one fear was that I would slip back into being unlovable. My boyfriend is seriously sent from heaven and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If I could go back in time and know that he would love me flat chested and all, I would have never thought about implanting in the first place.
Explant day- did I mention that I hate IVs? Once that bad boy was in my arm, I got the best cocktail ever and could not wait to wake up and see what I looked like. If you read anything on explant with BII, they talk a lot about removing the whole capsule. Your body so kindly creates a tissue around the toxic foreign objects and that has to get removed too. Usually with this being done, you get drain tubes. The FIRST thing I did when I came out of anesthesia was touch my sides, feeling for those tubes and when I didn’t feel them, I completely lost it. Hysterically crying. In hindsight, I now know that my doctor did remove the capsule but it was so minimal that I did not need the tubes. Crisis averted.
My recovery has been a BREEZE. I expected to be laid up, crying constantly about my pain and the fact that I couldn’t shower for a couple days or wash my hair. But it was overall good. Rafey brought me flowers the day of surgery and the first thing he did was cat call at me. I love this man.
So like I said, if you love your implants and have no issues, seriously give yourself a big W. You are one of the lucky ones. If you think I am a crazy person with somatic symptom disorder, that is fine too. Take away from this blog whatever you would like but I felt like this was worth sharing.
I am back to being even smaller than I was prior to implanting which I am adjusting to but here is my old vs. new bod (one day post op). Also, my face looks sunburned because I micro-needled my face the night before surgery. Side note- highly recommend that facial.