Did you think I was about to quote the Staind song? Yeah, no. I know it has been a long time though since I have written on here and the truth is, I feel like I have so much to write about, so many different topics, that I get overwhelmed and then decide to “try again another day”. Well, it has been many, many days. In my defense, I have been going through a lot of change. My last post was about breast implant illness and removing my implants. I am happy to report that all is good and I am feeling better than I have in years. I am still working on strengthening my upper body but overall, I am more than happy with my decision to remove my implants.
I got my Master’s Degree in May, I found a job in the field that I thought was perfect and I successfully completed just shy of 90 days there. I feel ridiculous even saying that but really…it takes a special, strong and somewhat callus person to work in community mental health. I have no shame in admitting that while I spent that short time there, I, myself, became undoubtably depressed. I carried every patient’s story with me, things that you cannot imagine. I want you to think about the worst possible thing you could ever imagine happening to someone. Times that by like 538743264781. Each day I went to work, I fell deeper into this darkness and I knew I had to make a move for my own mental health. I decided to go back into pharmacy. I just randomly sent in my resume to Potter’s House Apothecary, a place I have always wanted to work. It’s a specialty compounding pharmacy that creates each prescription special to each patient. I have never been happier at work and I am so happy I made that jump.
I have been going through the most intense training program for Barre3. My B3 journey has been amazing, tough and most of all, humbling. I have chosen things in my life that I naturally have been good at, but this was water I had never tread in before. It took me 3 audition submissions to get into training. It took me 2 certification submissions to get certified. All the while, trying to stay positive. Let me tell you how hard and humbling it is to see nearly every person in your training class get certified before you. Comparison is the thief of joy….but its nearly IMPOSSIBLE to not compare yourself to others. Not just in this venture but life in general. I find myself on social media, torturing myself with comparison. It sometimes takes me to such a dark place that it takes me days to recalibrate and find peace.
With that being said, I did pass my certification and I am so excited to continue my Barre3 journey.
Jewel wrote something so inspiring that I wanted to share on here:
“When we look at our own reflection, what do we see? Can we see ourselves clearly or is the image of ourselves distorted because we perceive ourselves through the eyes of others? Teaching myself that I have value that is not relative to any external accomplishment or failure- that my worth is not relative to my job title or lack there of, has been a huge area of growth for me. Our value is intrinsic. Our value is how well we live our values. And if we can live our values each day, regardless of how the day is going. Can we be kind when we are suffering a set back? Can we be loyal or honest when we have the opportunity to take advantage? Living our values helps us have a clear picture of who we are and trust we will be able to keep a consistent belief in and view of ourselves so we don’t feel tossed around or at the mercy of life’s ups and downs.
Take a moment to remember, you are all you have. Be kind to yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on being your best self. And know you have unique value beyond a job or title- value that can’t be fired, or stripped away by an injury, or a set back. But one that is built over a life time of investing in your inner game. Character is Currency.”