Killer Tits

So let’s just roll off my last post on body dysmorphia. Four years ago, almost to the day, I told myself that I could solve all of my problems. Plastic surgery. So many people do this. So many people want the perfect stomach, the cutest nose, or in my case…I wanted killer tits. I wanted to not feel like I had the body of a 15 year old boy. I wanted to look at myself and feel like a complete girl.

Growing up, I always thought they would just grow in. I mean, my mom was not flat. My sister was not flat. Surely, I would grow too. WRONG. I have literally been the same height and body type since 6th grade. My dad is 6’4″ and when I peaked in middle school, people thought I would continue on and go D1 for basketball or something crazy. SIKE! Here I am, still 5’6″.

When I decided I was going to go under the knife, I put about zero thought into what could go wrong either right away or further down the road. I threw the surgery bill on a credit card, paid it off a couple months later with my tax return and Voilà! I had 425 CCs of saline goodness filling my chest and I could not have been happier. Let me tell you, going from an A to a D was thrilling and I felt like I could finally be a woman. That literally sounds so stupid when I say that but seriously, it is how I felt.

I had always felt like something was missing until I got those airbags put in place. It was weird….I felt incapable of being loved with such a big insecurity of being flat chested.

Now let’s fast forward to about two years ago. I started experiencing things that never had an answer. I was battling constant (and I mean constant) infections. I will keep that vague and spare you the specifics. I began experiencing headaches that were uncontrollable and intolerable. I saw a headache specialist. I got put on crazy meds that they use primarily for seizures but I guess they work for migraines too. They made my face, hands and feet numb, I could not have a casual glass of wine and I could not remember anything. I literally could not even remember how to tie my shoe at one point. My family started to freak which, of course, made me freak and I said screw it. I threw all the meds away and have been dealing with the headaches as they come. I have suffered from extreme anxiety. Anxiety has been a part of my life due to some events that have happened to me as a child but as far as being anxious over absolutely nothing? We all know that is not normal. I had standard backaches. I mean, obviously….I am packing around all this saline. I was having night sweat episodes that were so bad, I had to get up, take off all my clothes and put on dry clothes (don’t worry, I showered in the morning but ain’t no body wanna take a shower at 2am). And lastly, I was always tired. I am very dedicated to my sleep schedule and get 8 hours of sleep almost every night. I was so tired all the time and could not for the life of me figure out how someone who just slept for 8 hours could be tired by 9am. When I said at the beginning that I wanted killer tits….I feel like I got the literal version of that.

Like I mentioned above, I did zero research on breast implants before jumping ship. I just thought, “thousands of women do this, it’s fine”. Let me tell you, for me….it was NOT fine. I cannot speak for everyone because I know SO many girls who have implants who have no symptoms and who are in love with their boobs…and that is great. Trust me, I wish that was me. But maybe there are some girls who have no idea about Breast Implant Illness because they have never heard of it and have weird symptoms that cannot be explained by any doctor. If that is you, go to this website.

Healing Breast Implant Illness

After researching and talking to tons of women, I decided to explant. The days leading up to explant were excruciating. Ask my boyfriend, I think obsessed, cried and complained everyday about it. I had so many fears. My number one fear was that I would slip back into being unlovable. My boyfriend is seriously sent from heaven and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If I could go back in time and know that he would love me flat chested and all, I would have never thought about implanting in the first place.

Explant day- did I mention that I hate IVs? Once that bad boy was in my arm, I got the best cocktail ever and could not wait to wake up and see what I looked like. If you read anything on explant with BII, they talk a lot about removing the whole capsule. Your body so kindly creates a tissue around the toxic foreign objects and that has to get removed too. Usually with this being done, you get drain tubes. The FIRST thing I did when I came out of anesthesia was touch my sides, feeling for those tubes and when I didn’t feel them, I completely lost it. Hysterically crying. In hindsight, I now know that my doctor did remove the capsule but it was so minimal that I did not need the tubes. Crisis averted.

My recovery has been a BREEZE. I expected to be laid up, crying constantly about my pain and the fact that I couldn’t shower for a couple days or wash my hair. But it was overall good. Rafey brought me flowers the day of surgery and the first thing he did was cat call at me. I love this man.

So like I said, if you love your implants and have no issues, seriously give yourself a big W. You are one of the lucky ones. If you think I am a crazy person with somatic symptom disorder, that is fine too. Take away from this blog whatever you would like but I felt like this was worth sharing.

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I am back to being even smaller than I was prior to implanting which I am adjusting to but here is my old vs. new bod (one day post op). Also, my face looks sunburned because I micro-needled my face the night before surgery. Side note- highly recommend that facial.

Body Dysmorphia- The Ultimate Controller

Body dysmorphia- A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. To me, that definition sounds a little extreme but maybe its a blind spot for me. You know when you see something, hear something, feel something all the time & it’s just so natural to you? That is exactly how I feel about this subject.

When you see the photo I have drawn of myself, you might think I am crazy or need extensive art lessons. Yes- it is in fact a stick figure drawing of how I see myself in the mirror everyday. Art is not my strong suit so cut me some slack but the stuff I pointed out are REAL things that I see with my eyes in the mirror.

I know I am not the only person who struggles with this. I am not the only person who changes 12 times before leaving the house and still wishes they could just stay home instead of having to deal with the social anxieties that come from feeling like everyone is starring at the imperfections. I am not the only person who wears workout clothes constantly, thinking people will just associate my baggy shirt and leggings with the fact that I probably just worked out. I wake up everyday and am SO thankful that leggings are actually a thing that people wear in public because if they weren’t, I probably wouldn’t leave the house.

Truth be told, this has always been something that I have struggled with and something that has gotten worse after birthing a child. I still have baby weight. Anyone else? My five year plan for that flat stomach went out the window a couple of months ago when Preslee’s birthday passed…so now I find myself hiding in my pantry, eating powdered donuts, telling myself to just embrace that jiggly belly. #yolo

But seriously, real talk. I have found something that has changed my life and my outlook on my body. I have tried every workout you can imagine. I have tried signing up for the nicest gym, I have tried a personal trainer, I have tried strict diets, I have tried yoga, P90x, Insanity, just to name a few. Then I found Barre3. Y’all…Barre3 has saved my life. I say that in the most dramatic way possible because I TRULY feel that way. I torment myself daily and fill every ounce of my body and mind with negative thoughts. Barre3 is the hardest workout I have experienced for not only my body but my mind. It challenges your mind more than your body in my opinion and it is exactly what I needed. I have been going to Barre3 for a little over three months now. My body is stronger than it has ever been, and my mind…my mind is stronger and more clear than I ever thought humanly possible.

So for all the girls out there who have fallen into a slump, for all the girls eating girl scout cookies while hiding in their pantry who have lost hope on just about everything to do with their bodies…I am talking to you. I mean, please, still treat yourself and eat those cookies but don’t hide. Balance is everything. Literally EVERYTHING. I encourage every person reading this to try a Barre3 workout (guys included). Every person deserves to love their body and be comfortable in the skin that they are in.

I still have my days where I am just not feeling it and I don’t want to leave the house because I feel like the world is starring at everything that I see wrong with me. Those things that I see though, are slowly going away and those days are becoming less frequent and for that alone, I am thankful. It is exhausting to always worry what other people think about you. Finding self love can be one of the most difficult journeys but there are others right there along side of you, myself included.

“No one is you….and that is your super power”

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Last First Day

 
As I woke up this morning, I was so excited for my last first day of class…ever.  Then it hit me.  Wait, last first day of class forever.  What does that mean? What will I do with all of my free time? What is coming next for me?  To piggyback off of Kasey’s last post, I have always had a plan too.  I immediately started looking at what my options are for more schooling (as if I cannot live without school or something, ha!).  First of all, looking at schooling options is overwhelming and I decided I had not even had caffeine yet so I dragged my anxious butt to the kitchen to make coffee.
 
As I was standing there, I was reminiscing in my head about all of my “first days.”  My childhood memories are so gray in my mind.  I must have had some adverse childhood experiences or maybe I just have a really crappy memory.  In any case, there is a lot of really great first days that I do remember.  My first day of high school.  My first day of work.  My first day of college (terrifying).  My first day finding out I was pregnant.  My first day of being a mom. My first day being a homeowner!
 
The first day of anything can bring a lot of emotions and as I woke up today and realized I was genuinely sad it was my last first day, I realized that although in school it might be my last…my future holds so many firsts still.  A first day at a new job, a first day of being a fiancé and then a wife,  a first day of being a mom to multiple kids. A first day being a grandma (hopefully lifetimes away).  But you get it.  We all have so many first days that we haven’t even reached yet.  When I realized that, I was able to sit back and just be happy and content that today is my last first day of school.  Like Kasey mentioned, so many of us don’t take the time to celebrate our accomplishments and victories.  It is so important to do so and to give ourselves that time to reflect on the hard work we have all accomplished.
 
So I hope you read this and smile…thinking about all of your first days from the past and look forward to all the great firsts still to come.

Welcome!

It has been on my heart & also my cousin Kasey’s heart, to start a blog this year.  Kasey will jump on and do her own introduction & trust me…she is amazing.  Get excited for the stories she will share.  A little bit about me…..I am finishing up my Master’s degree in Mental Health and Wellness with an Emphasis on Grief and Bereavement.  Currently a full time student, full time employee and full time mom.  I have a wonderful boyfriend and an amazing family.   I am obsessed with Barre3 workouts, Target and Starbucks… and I am a lover of all things Disney.

Kasey and I talked a lot about what we wanted to feature on here and the broad answer is mental health and wellness.  I will be diving more into my personal journey, changing stigmas that girls have in their heads about themselves and their bodies and finding that self love and self worth that everyone deserves to feel.

Speaking for both of us, we are so excited to share our stories and hope that some of you will be able to take away things from this, apply it to your life and possibly even share your stories.